Abuse is never okay!

No one deserves to have someone else put their hands on them. I lived in a relationship that I learned was abusive for five years. Of course, when you start dating both of you are on your best behavior. However, the person with the serious issue can only hide their true selves only for so long.

A couple years into the relationship, it started out with name-calling, putting me down telling me that I was ugly and that I was jealous of anyone who was of lighter skin then me. I have had many of conversations with him before telling him about how people treated me growing up.  Him telling me that I was ugly and jealous or blue black or black-a** was not new to me I have heard it all before.  I just thought it was shallow of him to call me those things after I've expressed to him how others treated me. I learned that he grew up a very shallow person and was taught that if you are not light skinned with "nice" hair you are nothing and you are at the bottom of the category.  Mind you, he is not a light-skinned man so I am curious to think what he thought about himself.  
  
He would tell me on several occasions that I was jealous of his daughter because she was mixed, lighter than me and had what they called "good" hair.  I was baffled and left confused, none of this made sense.   If I were in fact so jealous of his daughter why would I have treated her as my own. I have been in her life since she was two and a half and not once did I look at her skin complexion or her hair. Instead, I looked at her as a child who is growing up without a mother in her life. All I ever wanted to do was be there for her and show her what and how a mother should treat her. I know that I have done an awesome job and no one, not even him, can take that away from me. It was, and has been an honor to be a part of her life.  

After the emotional abuse came the physical abuse. Looking back when we had an argument, he punched me in my eye and said it was an accident. We were arguing over his phone and in the midst of him trying to take it from me, he hit me. Of course, I thought it was an accident, now after experiencing the physical abuse for the past year I learned the hit was not an accident it happened on purpose. 

After his deployment and after we moved in together the arguments got worse.  More harsh words, name calling and then it became physical.  Every time we got into an argument, he would grab me by my neck and choke me.  The choking got stronger with every intense argument.  The harder I tried to defend myself the harder he chocked me.  I quickly learned that this man does not love me he hates and this was his way of letting me know who was in control.  But you cannot possibly love someone and purposely put your hands around their neck knowing that this could end their life. 

I couldn't deal with this crazy life that I was living with him anymore.  On the day that I built up enough nerve to tell him that I wanted a divorce and he lost his mind.  Right there he realized that he was not in control anymore and I was taking back ownership over my life. I was done with the lies, cheating and abuse. 

February 22, 2015 was the last day he was going to put his hands on me.  I promised him the last time if he did that again I would call the police.  That day he chocked me I thought he was going to kill me. I could not catch my breath and started seeing stars.  I felt helpless and with what little air I had I called out to my girls to call the police.  If the girls would not have walked in the room and seen him I, strongly believe that I would have died that day. 

Naturally, someone like him, a narcissist, a person of multiple personalities and abuser is great at controlling their behavior in front of others to protect their public image.  In instances like this where the police are involved the women is still hysterical while the abuser is calm and the police are confused as to what really happened. My husband was excellent at manipulating people. He played such a great role that day.  The police was so confused that they wanted to take me to jail. Not once did they come in the house to see the crime scene or look at the scars or bruises on my neck. I told them that he pushed me by my neck so hard into the door that my head cracked the door.  Then he threw me to the ground and chocked me.  Everything that I said meant nothing to the police. Instead, they looked at him, because he had marks, and listened to his excellent story telling skills. I had to repeat over and over again that he was chocking me what was I supposed to do just sit there and not defend myself. I later learned that he told the police that I jumped on him because I caught him cheating.  He is such a good liar to those who do not know any better.  I caught this man cheating back in August 2014 and was so scared to do anything because weeks before that he threw me across the couch and choked me for confronting him about reaching out to his ex-wife on FaceBook. 

I finally told the police that my girls seen him choking me I promise I am not lying.  The one who saved me from going to jail was his daughter. She told the police that she seen her daddy on top of me chocking me.  The police called the magistrate and she made the decision not to have me arrested.  After he left the home to “calm down”  he sent me a text saying "are you happy now, that's the lowest that you could have done."  How was calling the police is the lowest that I could have done?  He totally disregarded everything else that he has done to me. That text from him was enough for me. He had no remorse and instead he showed me that he was a cocky, arrogant, selfish, egotistical, self-centered man.

My friend told me that I needed to get out of there right now. So I pack up mine and my daughter’s things and left. I made the decision to save my life and not show my daughter what I grew up with as a child. I give much thanks to my friend because leaving was the last thing I thought about doing.   I also informed the Military that he was doing this to me.  They put me through some intense counseling and now I am much more educated on domestic violence.  These types of relationships never ends on a positive note. Either someone gets enough guts to leave; someone ends up hurt or even worse dead.  That day I promised not live in that house again until he was out of it.

See abuse is never okay. No matter how mad you get you should never put your hands on anyone. It is best to walk away. That split second decision very well cost you the rest of your life. Well my husband was someone who needed to learn the hard way.  Although lying kept him from going to jail, he couldn't get over with the Military.  I am thankful that they took their time and investigated the abuse.  

Despite everything that happened he continues to blame me for putting it out there that he is an abuser.   The sad part is his mother called me after a couple days of me being gone out of the house to "check on me".  When I told her that he had been physically abusing me she quickly cut me off and told me to take care of myself.  It felt like a slap in the face because we were, or at least I thought we were close.  But it's fine she didn't want to accept that her son was a monster and she doesn't have to. That's her only way of not feeling bad for the pain that he has caused me and my family. 

After everything that has happened he and certain members of his family will forever blame me for speaking up and calling the police.  Everyone asks what about his daughter, she got his daughter put out of the home. This was not my choice, I asked if she could stay but he needed to go until he learned how to control his temper.  Again, with the wild tales, he told people that I abused and neglected his daughter.  We all know that this is false.  If he felt that way, why would he let me be there for so long?  On the other hand not once did anyone ask about my child.  What would have happened if this man killed me? My child would be motherless.  It was hard to ignore those types of allegations but I can not control what these irrational people think.  I have also learned that I did nothing wrong and my decision was a tough one but it needed to be done.

It takes a lot of courage to walk away from something that you worked so hard to keep together for so many years. Why keep fighting for a marriage when you are the only one who is taking it seriously.  He cheated on me several times, which is also another form of abuse, lied and I also found out through the mail that my husband had another child out there. Mind you for years he said that this was not his child and the girl was lying.  He was not man enough to tell me to my face before he left off to his deployment that he took a paternity test and completed a child support case behind my back.  

The abuse was not only a lesson for him but also a tough lesson for me. I should have walked away years ago.  I got the help that I needed and it is time to move on with my life. I have been saved, baptized and I feel like a much better women. I know that I will forever have challenges but that is something that I have to work on within myself.

I would like to thank all of the wonderful people I had in my life supporting me and my decision to leave. They remind me on a daily basis that it was not my fault that he could not control his anger.  I'll end with this..."Respect for women is one of the greatest gift a father can show a son."  He grew up with a father, but I think he missed that gift.

Always
Tasha

 I am a beautiful DARK-SKINNED woman! No one, not even, my ex-husband can take that away from me