I was a victim but now I am a SURVIVOR!

I have been victimized.  I was in a fight that was not a fair fight.  I lost.  There is no shame in losing such fights.  I have reached the stage of survivor and am no longer a slave of victim status.  I look back with sadness rather than hate.  I look forward with hope rather than despair.  I may never forget, but I need not constantly remember.  I was a victim.  I am a survivor. 
 

Survivor Psalm

Only my closest friends knew that I had been involved in a domestic violence relationship.   To the rest of the world I put on this façade that my relationship, marriage and life were PERFECT.  Deep down inside and behind closed doors my household was a big ole mess.   When I became embarrassed of his actions, I disappeared off all social media sites and distance myself from a lot of people.  Not that it was anyone else’s business but mines, I just did not want anyone to know that I was ashamed that I did not have that perfect marriage and that he also abused me.   

During the serial cheating, mental and physical abuse I only looked at it happening to me.  Why is he doing this to me?  What is it about me that he hates so much that he wants to continue to put his hands on me?  I never stopped to think that what happens to me affects the children as well.  I sat one night in the dark, wrote, cried, and prayed for strength.  I said repeatedly when enough was enough Tasha? I was wrong for allowing these innocent girls in this toxic relationship.  

He told me that his mother and grandmother said that I was selfish and I did not think about his career or the fact that he had sole custody of his daughter.  Also me opening my mouth could jeopardize his career and take money out of his pocket.  He was already struggling because he was paying a hefty sum of child support for the little girl he lied to me about and received absolutely nothing for the daughter that he does have.   I have gotten over what people with no intelligence have to say and I learned that my decision to end this madness was the best thing a person could ever do.  Not too many get the strength to leave.

How was his career possibly being in jeopardy my problem? 

Did he think about my life? 

Did he think about my career? 

Did he think about the fact that four lives could have been ruined, not just one? 

Did he think about the ever-lasting effect he left on those children? 

What about the girls not having a mother there to help raise them, see grow up, go to college, get married and have children?  

So if my decision was a selfish act, I will take sole responsibility for it.  After all of these years of taking care of and cleaning up the mess he created of his life I believe I had the right to finally be selfish. So thanks to his mom and nana for pointing that out. 

All in all, I am no longer ashamed that I have become a victim me and my girls are survivors.  If there's anyone who should feel shamed is he.