My Stolen Heart

She stole my heart and then gave it back filled with love. 

I am always grateful to put a smile on my little ladies faces.  Last night was Allannah's Farewell Sleepover.  I got little to no sleep but I was overjoyed at the fact that I could give her that chance to share her last moments with the people that she's loves the most.  I could not have asked for God to put anyone more special in Allannahs life.  These girls absolutely adore each other. 

They stayed up late, they talked, they laughed, they argued, they made up but in the end they had an awesome time.  When morning came neither one of them wanted to leave.  The world is small and we will never know where we will end up. 

Until we meet again. 

P.S...

We were missing one other special person. The night did not go by without the girls mixing their names up.  That immediately started the questions about where she was and is she doing okay.  Unfortunately I could not answer those questions and since her father doesn't know that it is no longer about him and its all about her he has made mine and her relationship impossible to work. We all want her to know that she too will be missed and I hope she is doing well. 

Love you to pieces baby, both you and Allannah stole my heart and filled it with love. 

Always,

Mommie 

I am thankful for...

Wow, was that you, Tasha?! 

I was just playing around with some time-space elements, inventing and stuff, when I thought I heard a familiar voice say, "Holy @#$%, Universe! Thank you so much for this day and every second of it! Exactly as it is, exactly as I am..." 

Almost dropped my chocolate into my peanut butter. You're welcome, Tasha, you are so welcome - 

    

The Universe

I have realized that my life is not perfect but I am truly thankful for everything that I have.

...yesterday I was able to celebrate Thanksgiving with one of my closest friends and her family.  I have so much to be thankful for but I would like to give a special thanks to them for welcoming us warmly.

I finally had a moment to sit and think.  While I sat, I thought about everything that I have been blessed with.  Ten years ago, God gave me a beautiful little girl and I could not be more grateful. Some days I find myself sitting and staring at her.  When she catches me she asks, "mommy are you okay?"  I always nod my head and tell her, “yes baby."  She is a typical ten year old.  She drives me crazy with her inability to keep her room clean but I could not ask for a better child.  Allannah keeps me smiling.  She never ceases to amaze me; she is smart, super cute and has a very kind heart. You know children are not lucky to have us as their parents, parents are lucky to have their children. With that being said ...I am thankful to be Allannahs mom.

As for me, my time is running short in the DMV (D.C, Maryland & Virginia) area.  It has been real but it is time for me to go!  On a lighter note, I try to set goals everywhere I go. To some it might sound corny but this is how I was able to find a balance in my life.  I came to this duty station hoping to finish my Bachelor’s Degree, get promoted and up my GT score for more options in the Military. Well I accomplished all three.  This may not be a big deal to most but it was a huge deal for me.  

I am not going to sit up here and lie, these past four years has been HELL!  It seemed like EVERY single time I had something important to do the devil would put his plan in place.  This baffles me, why me?? What did I do to deserve any of this?  I found myself wanting to give up when things got tough.  I do reflect back and wonder how I managed to push through it.  God was and always has looked out for me.  I now know that this was all a test and both of us made sure that I would not fail. The older generation does say that what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.  Well "ain't" that the truth.  These tests did not kill me but everything that has happened has definitely made me stronger.

I quoted a message from the Universe at the beginning of my entry.  Again, what am I thankful for?  I am thankful that God wakes me up every morning, I am able provide a roof and a hot meal for my daughter every day, I am thankful for my family, friends, my wonderful support system and the ability to show Allannah what it means to be loved.

I hope that everyone's Thanksgiving was a special as mines.

What are you waiting for?

Lord I am waiting on your wisdom to guide me through my difficult times. Please continue to work with me in having peace and work on those who are fighting hard against me. Lord you know what's best for me please continue to protect me and my child. Look over her and make sure that she stays grounded and happy.

My prayer--

For you, a thousand years are as a day, Lord, but for me, a day is a day. Have mercy on me in my waiting. Yet as long as my waiting lasts, and longer still, so long will I trust you. Most of all, please be near me.

Amen

I was a victim but now I am a SURVIVOR!

I have been victimized.  I was in a fight that was not a fair fight.  I lost.  There is no shame in losing such fights.  I have reached the stage of survivor and am no longer a slave of victim status.  I look back with sadness rather than hate.  I look forward with hope rather than despair.  I may never forget, but I need not constantly remember.  I was a victim.  I am a survivor. 
 

Survivor Psalm

Only my closest friends knew that I had been involved in a domestic violence relationship.   To the rest of the world I put on this façade that my relationship, marriage and life were PERFECT.  Deep down inside and behind closed doors my household was a big ole mess.   When I became embarrassed of his actions, I disappeared off all social media sites and distance myself from a lot of people.  Not that it was anyone else’s business but mines, I just did not want anyone to know that I was ashamed that I did not have that perfect marriage and that he also abused me.   

During the serial cheating, mental and physical abuse I only looked at it happening to me.  Why is he doing this to me?  What is it about me that he hates so much that he wants to continue to put his hands on me?  I never stopped to think that what happens to me affects the children as well.  I sat one night in the dark, wrote, cried, and prayed for strength.  I said repeatedly when enough was enough Tasha? I was wrong for allowing these innocent girls in this toxic relationship.  

He told me that his mother and grandmother said that I was selfish and I did not think about his career or the fact that he had sole custody of his daughter.  Also me opening my mouth could jeopardize his career and take money out of his pocket.  He was already struggling because he was paying a hefty sum of child support for the little girl he lied to me about and received absolutely nothing for the daughter that he does have.   I have gotten over what people with no intelligence have to say and I learned that my decision to end this madness was the best thing a person could ever do.  Not too many get the strength to leave.

How was his career possibly being in jeopardy my problem? 

Did he think about my life? 

Did he think about my career? 

Did he think about the fact that four lives could have been ruined, not just one? 

Did he think about the ever-lasting effect he left on those children? 

What about the girls not having a mother there to help raise them, see grow up, go to college, get married and have children?  

So if my decision was a selfish act, I will take sole responsibility for it.  After all of these years of taking care of and cleaning up the mess he created of his life I believe I had the right to finally be selfish. So thanks to his mom and nana for pointing that out. 

All in all, I am no longer ashamed that I have become a victim me and my girls are survivors.  If there's anyone who should feel shamed is he.

It's Okay to look Back

It is our natural tendency to look to the future but we should never forget the past. We should remember all that God has done to shape us into the people that we are today.

Amen

A Note from the Universe

This just in, Tasha... no matter how happy you have ever been, even at your happiest, it won't come close to how happy you will one day be.

Trust me, I'm there now -

    The Universe

I get these inspirational quotes sent to my email on a daily basis.  My victim advocate recommended theuniverse@tut.com.  She stated that it always felt like the Universe was talking to her.  She was right. 

Summarizing the quote, “Everyone deserves to be happy!”  Why stay in a situation, rather it is a job, marriage, friendship, etc., where you are miserable?  For me, staying in a relationship, where I was disheartened, depressed and unhappy, was because I did not want to the world to see me as a women who could not keep her second marriage together.  I was in a relationship with a man who did not know what he wanted in family and not only did he admit that he had no respect for me, but disrespected me on a regular basis. 

Now I will not sit here and say that we did not share happy moments but the awful things that had been done to me clouded the joyful memories.  I will also not sit here and pretend that I am the perfect person, because I have done things to him that was not so nice.  What I will say is that every action has a reaction.  Many of his actions have caused me to react in a negative way.  I am human and I have feelings too but acting out negatively only showed that he had the upper hand. 

Going back to the statement, “No matter how happy you have ever been, even at your happiest, it will not come close to how happy you will be one day.”  It took me a while to get back to my happy point.  I have had so many regrets and feelings of guilt for leaving my stepdaughter (whom I often referred to as my daughter) behind.  I felt like I was giving up on her.  I also had guilt because I was walking away from something that I have become familiar with for years but my safety, happiness and sanity's much more important.  Moreover,  it was just impossible to have a healthy relationship with this man. 

I want to close with another quote from my social worker “you put everything in your beach ball and gave it all to him.”  She told me that, giving a person all of you just gives them power over you.  There is nothing wrong with loving, but you have to keep something for yourself.  Of everything that she has told me, this stuck out the most.  I will love again and I will remember not to give the next person everything in my beach ball.  The universe said, “It won’t come close to how happy you will one day be.” The universe was right, what I thought made me happy has not come even close to how happy I am today!

Thank you Universe!

Tasha

Hummingbirds

Legends say that hummingbirds float free of time, carrying over hopes for love, joy and celebration.  The hummingbird's delicate grace reminds us that life is rich, beauty is everywhere, every personal connection has meaning and that laughter is life's sweetest creation. ~ Papyrus

Today's service was awesome.  The pastor had a special guest who talked about their journey to Haiti, taking care of the less fortunate.  We, American's, tend to take life for granted.  I am notorious for not eating all of my food and throwing it away.  While we have hundred and thousands of men, women and children in other countries who have no idea where their next meal is coming from.  We should be grateful that we have the things that we have.  But most of us, including myself, are too selfish to realize that.

I was told to ask God how does he want to use me today?  What do you want me to do?  My life has been mapped out for me. I've been helping people for a long as I remember.  Most of the outcomes have been great, and I've also dealt with people who were just plain selfish.  In the end I have no regrets for anything that I have done.  Now it is time to move on and  venture out to something new.  At the beginning of my posts I quoted something that I read months ago.  Its been stuck in my mind ever sense.  I, too, want my life to be like a hummingbird, I want to be free and carry the love and joy that it does.  With that being said, that is my purpose in life.  To spread love and joy to those you need and deserve it.

Have a good nite all,
Tasha

Abuse is never okay!

No one deserves to have someone else put their hands on them. I lived in a relationship that I learned was abusive for five years. Of course, when you start dating both of you are on your best behavior. However, the person with the serious issue can only hide their true selves only for so long.

A couple years into the relationship, it started out with name-calling, putting me down telling me that I was ugly and that I was jealous of anyone who was of lighter skin then me. I have had many of conversations with him before telling him about how people treated me growing up.  Him telling me that I was ugly and jealous or blue black or black-a** was not new to me I have heard it all before.  I just thought it was shallow of him to call me those things after I've expressed to him how others treated me. I learned that he grew up a very shallow person and was taught that if you are not light skinned with "nice" hair you are nothing and you are at the bottom of the category.  Mind you, he is not a light-skinned man so I am curious to think what he thought about himself.  
  
He would tell me on several occasions that I was jealous of his daughter because she was mixed, lighter than me and had what they called "good" hair.  I was baffled and left confused, none of this made sense.   If I were in fact so jealous of his daughter why would I have treated her as my own. I have been in her life since she was two and a half and not once did I look at her skin complexion or her hair. Instead, I looked at her as a child who is growing up without a mother in her life. All I ever wanted to do was be there for her and show her what and how a mother should treat her. I know that I have done an awesome job and no one, not even him, can take that away from me. It was, and has been an honor to be a part of her life.  

After the emotional abuse came the physical abuse. Looking back when we had an argument, he punched me in my eye and said it was an accident. We were arguing over his phone and in the midst of him trying to take it from me, he hit me. Of course, I thought it was an accident, now after experiencing the physical abuse for the past year I learned the hit was not an accident it happened on purpose. 

After his deployment and after we moved in together the arguments got worse.  More harsh words, name calling and then it became physical.  Every time we got into an argument, he would grab me by my neck and choke me.  The choking got stronger with every intense argument.  The harder I tried to defend myself the harder he chocked me.  I quickly learned that this man does not love me he hates and this was his way of letting me know who was in control.  But you cannot possibly love someone and purposely put your hands around their neck knowing that this could end their life. 

I couldn't deal with this crazy life that I was living with him anymore.  On the day that I built up enough nerve to tell him that I wanted a divorce and he lost his mind.  Right there he realized that he was not in control anymore and I was taking back ownership over my life. I was done with the lies, cheating and abuse. 

February 22, 2015 was the last day he was going to put his hands on me.  I promised him the last time if he did that again I would call the police.  That day he chocked me I thought he was going to kill me. I could not catch my breath and started seeing stars.  I felt helpless and with what little air I had I called out to my girls to call the police.  If the girls would not have walked in the room and seen him I, strongly believe that I would have died that day. 

Naturally, someone like him, a narcissist, a person of multiple personalities and abuser is great at controlling their behavior in front of others to protect their public image.  In instances like this where the police are involved the women is still hysterical while the abuser is calm and the police are confused as to what really happened. My husband was excellent at manipulating people. He played such a great role that day.  The police was so confused that they wanted to take me to jail. Not once did they come in the house to see the crime scene or look at the scars or bruises on my neck. I told them that he pushed me by my neck so hard into the door that my head cracked the door.  Then he threw me to the ground and chocked me.  Everything that I said meant nothing to the police. Instead, they looked at him, because he had marks, and listened to his excellent story telling skills. I had to repeat over and over again that he was chocking me what was I supposed to do just sit there and not defend myself. I later learned that he told the police that I jumped on him because I caught him cheating.  He is such a good liar to those who do not know any better.  I caught this man cheating back in August 2014 and was so scared to do anything because weeks before that he threw me across the couch and choked me for confronting him about reaching out to his ex-wife on FaceBook. 

I finally told the police that my girls seen him choking me I promise I am not lying.  The one who saved me from going to jail was his daughter. She told the police that she seen her daddy on top of me chocking me.  The police called the magistrate and she made the decision not to have me arrested.  After he left the home to “calm down”  he sent me a text saying "are you happy now, that's the lowest that you could have done."  How was calling the police is the lowest that I could have done?  He totally disregarded everything else that he has done to me. That text from him was enough for me. He had no remorse and instead he showed me that he was a cocky, arrogant, selfish, egotistical, self-centered man.

My friend told me that I needed to get out of there right now. So I pack up mine and my daughter’s things and left. I made the decision to save my life and not show my daughter what I grew up with as a child. I give much thanks to my friend because leaving was the last thing I thought about doing.   I also informed the Military that he was doing this to me.  They put me through some intense counseling and now I am much more educated on domestic violence.  These types of relationships never ends on a positive note. Either someone gets enough guts to leave; someone ends up hurt or even worse dead.  That day I promised not live in that house again until he was out of it.

See abuse is never okay. No matter how mad you get you should never put your hands on anyone. It is best to walk away. That split second decision very well cost you the rest of your life. Well my husband was someone who needed to learn the hard way.  Although lying kept him from going to jail, he couldn't get over with the Military.  I am thankful that they took their time and investigated the abuse.  

Despite everything that happened he continues to blame me for putting it out there that he is an abuser.   The sad part is his mother called me after a couple days of me being gone out of the house to "check on me".  When I told her that he had been physically abusing me she quickly cut me off and told me to take care of myself.  It felt like a slap in the face because we were, or at least I thought we were close.  But it's fine she didn't want to accept that her son was a monster and she doesn't have to. That's her only way of not feeling bad for the pain that he has caused me and my family. 

After everything that has happened he and certain members of his family will forever blame me for speaking up and calling the police.  Everyone asks what about his daughter, she got his daughter put out of the home. This was not my choice, I asked if she could stay but he needed to go until he learned how to control his temper.  Again, with the wild tales, he told people that I abused and neglected his daughter.  We all know that this is false.  If he felt that way, why would he let me be there for so long?  On the other hand not once did anyone ask about my child.  What would have happened if this man killed me? My child would be motherless.  It was hard to ignore those types of allegations but I can not control what these irrational people think.  I have also learned that I did nothing wrong and my decision was a tough one but it needed to be done.

It takes a lot of courage to walk away from something that you worked so hard to keep together for so many years. Why keep fighting for a marriage when you are the only one who is taking it seriously.  He cheated on me several times, which is also another form of abuse, lied and I also found out through the mail that my husband had another child out there. Mind you for years he said that this was not his child and the girl was lying.  He was not man enough to tell me to my face before he left off to his deployment that he took a paternity test and completed a child support case behind my back.  

The abuse was not only a lesson for him but also a tough lesson for me. I should have walked away years ago.  I got the help that I needed and it is time to move on with my life. I have been saved, baptized and I feel like a much better women. I know that I will forever have challenges but that is something that I have to work on within myself.

I would like to thank all of the wonderful people I had in my life supporting me and my decision to leave. They remind me on a daily basis that it was not my fault that he could not control his anger.  I'll end with this..."Respect for women is one of the greatest gift a father can show a son."  He grew up with a father, but I think he missed that gift.

Always
Tasha

 I am a beautiful DARK-SKINNED woman! No one, not even, my ex-husband can take that away from me 

My Journey to Baptism

For the past couple years my marriage was headed for the worse, I tried individual and marriage counseling and neither worked.  Then it dawned on me that I was missing something and that something was a relationship with God.  I struggled over those past

years trying to get right with God and involving my family with Church.  

 

It was hard because my spouse and I had different views on what type of Church to attend.  I was new to the Lorton and googled Churches within the area and that’s when I found New Hope.  I loved the service, I was able to follow the sermon and I also loved the idea of the fill in the blanks on the handouts.  This was a great way to follow along and it kept me involved. 

A friend from work recommended that I talk to one of his good friends, Fran, who work with the women’s ministry around the metropolitan area. I met with Fran and gave her a brief background of what I was going through and where I wanted to be spiritually.  Fran asked if I had been saved and although I’ve always believed that there was a God I had not given my life to him.  Immediately she asked if she could pray with me.  We prayed and on April 15, 2015 I gave my life to Christ and I felt like this had been the best decision that I could have ever made. 

I must admit that when I gave my life to Christ I thought that all of my troubles would disappear.  After studying and praying with Fran, I learned that not all of my troubles would go away but I needed to give more trust in him to help me get through the difficult times.  I still have my struggles but when I sit back and take a breather, I realize that I need to let go and let God.  

Over the past couple weeks I’ve been seeing emails about baptism from New Hope.  I’ve never been baptized and then it clicked; this is the next step that I need to take. So here I am, and I am ready ☺.

Here's a link to my baptism video 

https://vimeo.com/142779996